Gotta love the Bee.
The Babylon Bee offers their satirical take on the Home Alone film.
GROVELAND, IL - Pierce County's District
Attorney has opened prosecution against an eight-year-old boy who reportedly
terrorized two burglars robbing his parents' mansion.
The young boy by the name of Kevin McAllister
was apparently home alone when the perpetrators attempted to sneak into the
estate. McAllister sprang into action with a series of ingenious attacks,
including blowtorches, paint cans, and a tarantula. "The child engaged in
cruel, vicious behavior that could have seriously injured the two gentlemen
known as the ‘Wet Bandits' ," said District Attorney Ansel Hayden.
"McAllister literally smashed Marv's face with an iron, when Marv wished
nothing more than to rob McAllister's family while doing the child serious
bodily harm."
Hayden said the youth's antics involved
putting ice on the stairs, heating up doorknobs, and other tactics that put the
men in peril. "What has society come to when a child can torture vagabonds
just hungry for bread?," wondered Hayden aloud. "I will not allow
this county to fall victim to vigilantism."
At press time, Hayden was preparing to file
charges against the neighbor who stopped the kindly ‘Wet Bandits' from biting
off McAllister's fingers.
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