The Babylon Bee offers a satiric piece on the progressive Chicago mayor-elect and the Walmart closings in the troubled and violent city.
CHICAGO, IL — After Walmart announced plans to
close 4 store locations in dangerous Chicago neighborhoods, Chicago Mayor-Elect
Brandon Johnson issued a dire warning that this will leave many Chicagoans with
fewer places to shoplift.
"Citizens of this great city have the
fundamental right to steal merchandise in their own communities without
resorting to traveling to other neighborhoods," said Johnson at a local
protest against the store closings. "If our youths don't have a safe place
to work, shop, shoplift, loot, fight, do drugs, terrorize citizens, and smash
windows, they may participate in riskier shoplifting, looting, and
drug-consuming in affluent communities where cops will actually bother to
arrest them until my Soros-funded DA lets them back out on the street. We can't
let this happen!"
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