Mark Twain On Being Named As One Of The Great Authors

 

A Little Humor: The Babylon Bee's Top 6 Health Benefits Of Cigar Smoking

I’ve been a cigar smoker since my early 20s.   

These days, I smoke a cigar as I go for a walk, sit on my porch, or work in my book-lined basement office. 

Smoking a fine cigar with a cup of coffee or a glass of Sambuca relaxes me as I sit in my basement office at my desk working on my computer. 

I also enjoy the company of other cigar smokers at cigar lounges and cigar dinners, or simply hanging out with a friend who also enjoys a fine cigar. 

So I got a kick out of The Babylon Bee’s satirical take on cigars. 

Smoking cigars makes you look cool, everyone knows that. But did you know there are health benefits? It’s true, enjoying a cigar not only shows everyone how manly you are but it pays off physically as well. 

The Babylon Bee has put together the following list of healthy side effects of cigar smoking:    

You can read the rest of the humorous piece via the below link:

Top 6 Health Benefits of Cigar Smoking | Babylon Bee

You can also read about my cigar smoking on a U.S. Navy harbor tugboat at the American nuclear submarine base at Holy Loch, Scotland via the below link:      

Paul Davis On Crime: A Little Humor: Enjoying A Cigar Onboard A Navy Tugboat At The U.S. Nuclear Submarine Base At Holy Loch, Scotland 

A Little Humor: Mark Twain On The Afterlife

 

A Little Humor: Is Your Wife Planning To Murder You? Look For These Red Flags

The satirical Babylon Bee offers some warning signs for husbands who want to know if their wives are planning on murdering them: 

Whether you and your wife are newlyweds or have been married for several years, this thought has, at one point or another, crossed your mind: "Is my wife planning to murder me?" Though determining the answer is not easy, there are warning signs.

The Babylon Bee is here to help increase your admittedly slim chance of survival by providing you with the following list of red flags to watch for:

1.     She listens to podcasts about wives murdering their husbands: Sure, many wives do this, but your wife takes notes. Not good!

You can read the rest of the humor piece via the below link:

Is Your Wife Planning To Murder You? Look For These Red Flags | Babylon Bee 

A Little Humor: Elderly Woman Escapes Nursing Home, Rants About Deprogramming The Populace

 The satirical Babylon Bee offers a funny take on Hillary Clinton’s latest CNN interview. 

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Viewers are perplexed by a CNN television interview featuring a deranged old lady who recently escaped from an elder care facility, angrily ranting about wanting to "deprogram" half of the nation's population.

"They must comply! Deplorables! All of ‘em!" the disheveled geriatric growled at the camera while CNN's Christiane Amanpour attempted to de-escalate the situation. "If they don't fall in line, we'll round them up and re-educate them! De-program them! Re-program them! If that doesn't work, then we'll just disappear them! Yes! Yeeeeeeessssssss! Ahahahahahahaha!"

The CNN interview team did their best to remain calm, despite the obvious threat posed by the tottering, decrepit woman. "She may be old and frail, but you can tell she's serious," said one member of the television crew. "We heard she escaped from a nursing home nearby, but you could tell she's terrorized people in the past. Chilling, dangerous stuff. Or maybe she's just completely insane, who knows."

 You can read the rest of the humor piece via the below link:   

Elderly Woman Escapes Nursing Home, Rants About Deprogramming The Populace | Babylon Bee

A Little Humor From The Babylon Bee:

 The Babylon Bee offers a satiric piece on the progressive Chicago mayor-elect and the Walmart closings in the troubled and violent city. 

CHICAGO, IL — After Walmart announced plans to close 4 store locations in dangerous Chicago neighborhoods, Chicago Mayor-Elect Brandon Johnson issued a dire warning that this will leave many Chicagoans with fewer places to shoplift.

"Citizens of this great city have the fundamental right to steal merchandise in their own communities without resorting to traveling to other neighborhoods," said Johnson at a local protest against the store closings. "If our youths don't have a safe place to work, shop, shoplift, loot, fight, do drugs, terrorize citizens, and smash windows, they may participate in riskier shoplifting, looting, and drug-consuming in affluent communities where cops will actually bother to arrest them until my Soros-funded DA lets them back out on the street. We can't let this happen!"

 You can read the rest of the piece via the below link:

Chicago Mayor Warns That If Local Walmart Locations Close People Will Have Fewer Places To Shoplift | Babylon Bee 

Babylon Bee: Biden Announces U.S. Surrender To Chinese Balloon

The Babylon Bee offers a satirical piece on President Biden’s response to the Chinese spy balloon crossing the U.S.

WORLD — In a surprise statement to the world from the White House Situation Room, President Biden has announced America's unconditional surrender to the Chinese Spy Balloon.

"Listen, folks, it's over," said Biden as a single tear ran down his face. "We're outgunned here. There's no hope that we can match the awesome power of this giant balloon."

Biden's voice was drowned out by the dozens of weeping journalists gathered outside the room.

"I urge you all to hug your loved ones and embrace your children, for the end is near. God help us all," Biden finally said before signing off for the last time.

At publishing time, Americans had been urged by the administration to start learning Mandarin.

You can read other Babylon Bee humorous piece via the below link:

Babylon Bee | Fake News You Can Trust

A Little Humor: Babylon Bee: Controversy As SNL Invites Real Live Comedian To Perform

The Babylon Bee offers another clever satirical piece on Saturday Night Live inviting comedian Dave Chapelle to host the once funny program.

NEW YORK, NY — Saturday Night Live, a show dedicated solely to solemn social critiques and pedantic lectures, has made waves after inviting a real live comedian to perform.

With actual comedian Dave Chapelle slated to host SNL this weekend, the show's writers and cast members were reportedly working tirelessly to prepare for the exposure to comedy.

"It's a big change for us, trying this 'comedy' thing," said castmember Kate McKinnon while using air quotes. McKinnon is best known for her recurring role as Hillary Clinton being somber, sad, and full of gloom. "I've been working on a few 'jokes' myself. Here's my best one..."

McKinnon then proceeded to rant for seven minutes on how Donald Trump was a bad man. 

You can read the rest of the humor piece via the below link: 

Controversy As SNL Invites Real Live Comedian To Perform | Babylon Bee 

A Little Humor: Husband Cleverly Rebrands Cigars As Smokeable Essential Oils

The Babylon Bee offers a clever satirical piece that cigar smokers, like me, will enjoy:

COLUMBIA, SC — Local man Alex McIlvaine stumbled upon the brilliant idea today of adding a little sign to his cigar humidor that reads "Smokeable essential oils."

"See babe! It's just like the diffuser you have, but a little more direct," explained Mr. McIlvaine to his wife. "Oo, a Padron! This one is good for arthritis, I think. Probably fixes Celiac disease too!"

An outraged Mrs. McIlvaine pushed back on his audacious claim of a cigar fixing arthritis, but Mr. McIlvaine simply asked to see what evidence she had that lavender cured diabetes. "Hey, fair is fair," said Mr. McIlvaine. "I'll continue agreeing that this vague scent of lemon can cure smallpox, so long as we can agree this lovely Rocky Patel cigar here will lower my cholesterol."

Mr. McIlvaine reportedly conceived the idea after seeing his wife order an essential oils set, which came in a box shockingly similar to a humidor. "That was when I realized, essential oils are just cigars for women," said Mr. McIlvaine. "Women feel a need to unwind, so they light up, breathe the fumes, and make the whole house smell. It's the exact same experience. The only difference is the delightful smell of tobacco versus some weird herb."

At publishing time, Mr. McIlvaine reportedly had lit up a Monte Cristo in order to fix his male-pattern baldness. 

You can read more satirical and humor pieces via the below link:

Babylon Bee | Fake News You Can Trust 

A Little Humor: After Using FBI To Suppress Son’s Crimes And Raid Political Rival’s Home, Biden Warns Democracy In Danger

The Babylon Bee offers a satiric look at President Biden's speech.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Having politically weaponized federal law enforcement for his own political gain, President Biden has now taken to the airwaves to warn that democracy is in real danger.

"Folks, I'm using the feds as best I can to destroy my political opponents, but let me be clear: I'm going to have to break more laws and seize even more power if I'm going to stop fascism," yelled President Biden, lighted in blood-red and surrounded by soldiers. "I don't care if that means a federal takeover of elections, an overthrow of the judiciary - heck I don't care if I have to use F-15s to carpet bomb every single Republican neighborhood in the country. We will forcibly commandeer every lever of power and communication our nation has - to, you know, defeat fascism."

You can read the rest of the humor piece via the below link:

After Using FBI To Suppress Son’s Crimes And Raid Political Rival’s Home, Biden Warns Democracy In Danger | Babylon Bee 

A Little Humor: 'The FBI Raid On Melania's Closet Was Justified,' Says Merrick Garland Wearing Gorgeous New Evening Gown And Sun Hat

The Babylon Bee offers a clever and funny satirical piece on the Trump raid.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — With many Americans up in arms over the unprecedented raid of former President Trump's residence in Mar-a-Lago by the FBI, Attorney General Garland released a statement to assure everyone the raid was completely justified. Eyewitnesses noted he looked unusually fetching in an elegant Dolce & Gabbana evening gown and a Dior sun hat.

"We wouldn't raid Trump's Mar-a-Lago estate or Melania's wardrobe unless it was absolutely, 100% necessary," said Garland. "I resent any accusation that this raid was influenced by partisan politics or my insatiable desire to wear pretty designer dresses." The Attorney General then did a little spin in his purple gown as the press gasped with delight.

FBI Director Christopher Wray echoed the statement as he strode up to the Hoover Building in a dazzling pair of diamond-encrusted Alexander McQueen stilettos. "The men and women of the FBI are paragons of unassailable integrity and impartiality, and any suggestion otherwise is murderous treason," he said. Several news outlets present also noted the delicious smell of Chanel No.5 in the air.

At publishing time, Trump took to Truth Social to announce that all his golf clubs were also missing.

You can read more Babylon Bee humor pieces via the below link:

Babylon Bee | Latest News 

Babylon Bee: ‘Guns Should Not Be In The Hands Of The Mentally Unstable,’ Says Senile Man With Nukes

 The Babylon Bee offers a satirical piece on Biden and gun control (code name "gun safety," as gun control sounds too harsh).

WASHINGTON, D.C.—A senile old man in Washington who has a deadly nuclear arsenal at his fingertips is calling for dangerous weapons to be taken out of the hands of the mentally unstable.

"Listen, folks, this shouldn't be difficult," said the yammering old geriatric to a duck in the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool. "The mentally unstable shouldn't have guns! It's dangerous! Think of what could happen, Jack! They could fire it blindly through their front door because they heard a noise, or leave it right out in the open where a Taliban terrorist could pick it up, or accidentally kill innocent people they thought were bad guys but turned out to be foreign aid workers!" The man then dove face-first into the pool because he thought he saw an ice cream cone there. 

You can read the rest of the humor piece via the below link:

‘Guns Should Not Be In The Hands Of The Mentally Unstable,’ Says Senile Man With Nukes | The Babylon Bee 

Mark Twain's Satirical Crime Story, 'The Stolen White Elephant'

In my earlier post, I noted that today was Mark Twain's birthday: 

Paul Davis On Crime: Happy Birthday To The Late, Great American Humorist And Novelist Mark Twain

So in honor of the great humorist, below is a link to Mark Twain's satirical crime story, The Stolen White Elephant:

The Stolen White Elephant - Story by Mark Twain (mtwain.com)

Hillary Clinton Dresses up As President For Halloween: Three From The Bee

 Gotta love the Bee.

Below are three satirical pieces from the Babylon Bee:

 Hillary Clinton Dresses Up As President For Halloween

 CHAPPAQUA, NY—According to sources, former First Lady and skilled assassin Hillary Clinton is joining the Halloween festivities this year by dressing up as a real live president. 

"I really wanted to show little girls everywhere that if you believe in yourself and kill a lot of people, you can be president of the United States someday," she said, "...just like I was. I was the rightful president. I WAS THE RIGHTFUL PRESIDENT!" She then screamed and threw an open bottle of wine against the wall and made her servants pick it up.

Hillary will be wearing a realistic president costume and sitting behind a handmade replica of the resolute desk to complete the look.

"This is where I sign my executive orders to bail out banks and drone strike brown people in the Middle East," she said proudly as she signed imaginary papers on her desk. "You may address me as Madam President. Happy Halloween!"

Sources say that Bill Clinton will also be dressing up for Halloween, as someone who's not married to Hillary Clinton.  

Supply Chain Crisis Solved As Each Migrant Coming Into Country Will Be

Asked To Help Carry A Shipping Container

 DEL RIO, TX—Secretary of Transportation Pete Buttigieg announced that the supply chain crisis wreaking havoc on the nation’s economy has been resolved, and praised Biden’s brilliance and ingenuity in proposing the solution: Ask each migrant coming into the country to help carry a shipping container.

“Big, big shiny boats are flocking to the shores of Mexico,” said the cabinet member. “And all the choo-choo trains and beep-beep vroom-vrooms can't handle all the containers! Oh no! So let's just have the thousands and thousands of migrants carry them in! It’s a solution that can only be attributed to Biden’s progressive policies.”

One immigrant praised the opportunity to have a job before even entering the United States illegally. “It’s unbelievable that only a few weeks ago the White House sent my family a personal invitation, map, GPS, and detailed instructions on how to cross the border illegally, and here I am now, using my skills to carry shipping containers and boost the American economy for a modest $450,000 salary. Gracias Señor!”

Border Patrol agents trying to stop the illegal immigrants from bringing the vital shipments into the country were arrested and sent to Guantanamo Bay.

Mounted Border Patrol Ordered To Replace 'Whips' With Bags Of Money

 DEL RIO, TX—After weeks of being placed on leave, Texas border patrol agents are finally returning to the border on their horses. This time, however, they will be carrying giant sacks of money instead of their leather reins.

"This is our way of showing who we are as Americans," said the newly appointed Border Patrol Chief Zamby Fiddlepoot. "Our agents have all been given 320 hours of anti-racist and sensitivity training. We also chemically castrated them. They will just hand out hugs and money now." 

The newly trained agents will patrol the border day and night, giving $450,000 to every illegal crosser they meet.

"Howdy, pardners!" said one officer to a small group of 3,200 migrants approaching him. "Please allow me to apologize for oppressing you with my cisgender colonial whiteness! Please take this money as a token of our apology and come on in!"

Unfortunately for the migrants, experts predict $450,000 will not be enough to fill a tank with gas in a few weeks due to inflation. 

You can read more humor pieces via the below link: 

The Babylon Bee | Fake News You Can Trust 

Babylon Bee: Arms Race Heats Up: Just As China Reveals Space Nukes, America Responds With Trans Admiral

 The Babylon Bee mocks President Biden and Dr. Levine in a clever and amusing piece:

WORLD—The arms race is heating up between the U.S. and China. Just last week, China revealed its brand new "space nukes", which are capable of easily nuking any country on the planet. The United States responded swiftly to the provocation by unveiling the world's first trans admiral.

"China, you've been warned," said Biden to a Chinese food delivery person he mistook for President Xi. "Our transgender admiral is fully armed and operational. If you cross us, we will unleash the full fire and fury of this deadly weapon upon you, make no mistake." 

Military experts say that while a space nuke is somewhat impressive, it pales in comparison to the awesome power of diversity. "With Rachel Levine serving as admiral, nations around the world will bow before the terrifying might of our transgender empowerment," said General Milley. "We must pursue peace through strength. Strength of inclusivity." 

Biden insisted that there is no weapon yet conceived that can top Admiral Levine and that he will gladly accept China's preemptive surrender. 

Admiral Levine was not available for comment as she was getting her prostate examined. 

You can read other satirical pieces via the below link:

 The Babylon Bee | Fake News You Can Trust

A Serious Note: Dr. Levine, a pediatrician, was commissioned an admiral in the U.S. Public Health Service, not the U.S. Navy. It takes somewhat longer to become a four-star admiral in the Navy.

Babylon Bee: Trump Wows Met Gala Crowd In 'Rigged Election' Dress

The Babylon Bee mocks Socialist Congresswoman Cortez’s silly and self-aggrandizing stunt of wearing a gown with “Tax the Rich” written on it while attending an elite gathering in New York.

NEW YORK, NY—Beloved president and celebrity Donald Trump left Met Gala speechless this year when he showed up in a flowing white dress emblazoned with the phrase 'Rigged Election!'

"It's a beautiful, bold, brave statement," said fashion writer Vandross Tixatron, who was wearing an $82,000 garbage bag plucked from a landfill in Zimbabwe. "It's even braver when you consider the fact Trump wasn't even invited and he's being chased down by security now. What a statement!" 

Other stunning attendees to the gala included:

• Gavin Newsom in a dress made of discarded hobo tents
• Bill Clinton, who wore a tux embroidered with the message "Believe All Women"
• Buffalo Bill, a transgender hero in his latest skin-suit
• Bill Cosby in a #MeToo dress
• AOC, who wore a 'Tax The Rich' dress made by enslaved migrant children
• Greta Thunberg, who wore a 'Save The Planet' dress made with clubbed baby seal skins
• General Milley, who draped himself in the vibrant red flag of the Chinese Communist Party

In spite of the audacious and colorful characters at the Met Gala, Trump's dress and attendance were deemed inappropriate and he was tackled by two dozen security guards and dragged outside. 

Trump has announced he will be organizing his own, way cooler Met Gala for REAL Americans this winter.

You can read other satirical pieces via the below link:

The Babylon Bee | Your Trusted Source for Christian News Satire. 

The Babylon Bee: Republicans Call For Impeachment Of Whoever Is Telling Biden What To Do

 The Babylon Bee offers another fine satirical piece on President Biden.

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Several prominent Republicans came forward this week to call for the impeachment or resignation of whoever on earth is telling Biden what to do every day. 

"I think it's clear at this point that the person controlling Biden —and telling him what to do and say every moment—is completely incompetent," said Republican Representative Bob McCobb. "We're not really sure who that is, but they need to be impeached immediately. They suck." 

Americans increasingly agree with this sentiment, as recent polls revealed record-low approval ratings for whoever that person is who is pulling the strings of the barely sentient

"Seriously, can he find a person who can put better words in his mouth and tell him better decisions to make?" said one Ohio voter who agreed to be interviewed.

Biden responded to the attacks, saying "The notion that someone is controlling me and telling me what to say and what to do and chewing my food and changing my diapers is absolutely ridiculous. But that's all I'm allowed to say right now." 

You can read other humorous piece via the below link:  

The Babylon Bee | Your Trusted Source for Christian News Satire. 

A Little Humor: The Babylon Bee: Obama's Party Ruined As Mansion Sinks Into Sea Thanks To Climate Change

The Babylon Bee mocks former President Obama’s big birthday bash (despite his followers' warnings to others about large get-togethers due to COVID-19) and his and his progressive guests’ fear of climate change.

MARTHA'S VINEYARD, MA—Well, this is tragic news: Barack Obama's long-awaited birthday bash has been ruined by climate change as his mansion sank into the sea thanks to global warming. 

As guests participated in the activities, from fun games like " Pen the Drone on the Middle Eastern Country" to a rousing session of Settlers of Yemen, the sound of crashing water caused everyone to run outside. 

"Oh no!" shouted Hillary Clinton. "We've gotta cheese it—it's climate change!" 

"How dare you!" shouted Greta Thunberg, lecturing the wave on how it's just supposed to consume evil white men. 

"Aw, man!" said a disappointed Obama as he swam away. "I was looking forward to that Predator drone-shaped cake—it looked delicious!" 

"I knew I shouldn't have invested in a $12 million-dollar mansion when I've warned people over and over again that it would be underwater in just a few years." 

Many guests were soaked or swept away into the sea, though John Kerry and Al Gore

called their pilots and got picked up in their private jets. 

At publishing time, Obama had purchased yet another multi-million-dollar mansion on the new Atlantic coast in eastern Kansas.

You can read other satirical pieces via the below link:

The Babylon Bee | Your Trusted Source for Christian News Satire. 

A Little Humor: The Most Dangerous Thing We Eat

A renown doctor and author of a book on healthy food was speaking to a crowd in a conference room in a Philadelphia hotel. 

“The food we eat every day is mostly poison,” the doctor said. “Red meat, certain vegetables, and even water due to the chemicals in it." 

The doctor then stated that there is thing that is the most dangerous of all. 

“Does anyone know what is the most lethal food we eat.” 

A drunk wandered in from the hotel bar and heard the doctor’s question. 

“Wedding cake,” the drunk said.

A Little Humor: The Babylon Bee: In Honor Of Pride Month, Biden Announces He Will Also Sniff Men's Hair

 "Oh, c’mon, man!" as the president would say. 

The satirical Babylon Bee offers a piece that mocks President Biden’s creepy habit of sniffing girls’ hair. 

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a televised address this week, President Biden voiced support for the LGBTQ community and promised to honor them with a commitment to not only sniff women's hair, but also men's hair. 

"Look-- I've been sniffing the hair of women and girls for many decades," said Biden. "It's time for me to recognize the accomplishments of the LGBT folks. I'm maybe gonna get in trouble for this, but if you're a man, I just may sniff your hair. That's because I'm not homophobic. I ain't afraid to sniff a dude! Come on, man!" 

Biden was then quickly led off the podium by his wife before he could say any more. 

"Every gender! I'll sniff 'em all!" Biden yelled, protesting as he was dragged out of sight of the crowd.  

According to sources, no gay men have taken up Biden on his offer to sniff their hair. However, hundreds of straight male journalists have lined up outside the White House clapping and cheering, hoping for their chance to be sniffed by the President.  

Brian Stelter went to bed crying, as he had no hair for President Biden to sniff. 

You can read other Babylon Bee humor pieces via the below link: 

The Babylon Bee | Your Trusted Source for Christian News Satire.