Babylon Bee Exclusive: We Have Obtained A Copy Of Joe Biden's Day Planner

The Babylon Bee takes a satirical shot at Creepy, Sleepy Joe.

Joe Biden's day planner was left on a table at a Washington DC Denny's this week. Before returning to the White House, our staff was able to take pictures of the contents of Biden's rigorous schedule. It is truly amazing that a man of Biden's age has enough vim and vigor to accomplish so much every day.

 Here are just a few examples from Biden's dense schedule:

• Muffins
• Nap (many, many naps)
• Crossword puzzle day
• Do the green screen thingy
• Napppppp
• Also, sleep (which is different from naps)
• Test new drones
• note to self: Stop using the term "colored people" it's bad now
• Cash that Xi money
• Turkey (he was not sure if this was in reference to the country or the poultry)
• Call Obama (recurring in planner. Keeps getting voicemail)
• Tell Kamala to do the thing
• Remember what the thing is
• Detailed notes on who he can and cannot sniff at various events
• Yell at cloud
• Parsnips 
• Tape Blue Bloods (starring Tom Selleck)
• John Wayne-a-thon
• Strategy meeting @ CNN

You can read other humor pieces via the below link:

https://babylonbee.com/ 

'Scram! It's A Setup!' Screams Pelosi Running Out Of Salon To Getaway Car

The Babylon Bee takes a satirical shot at House Speaker Nancy Pelosi.

SAN FRANCISCO, CA—Nancy Pelosi was minding her own business this week when a salon owner called her and said in a gravelly voice, "Listen, toots -- I got a proposition for ya." The salon owner then explained how she wanted her to come in to get a perm, absolutely free. "It's a great deal -- no strings attached. No funny business. Take it or leave it. Come around back. No cops."

Pelosi showed up for the appointment but felt uneasy from the beginning since the salon owner wore a shirt saying "I HATE NANCY PELOSI." But despite her misgivings, she continued on, really needing to get her hair done and her skin tightened.

You can read the rest of the humor piece via the below link:

https://babylonbee.com/news/scram-its-a-setup-screams-pelosi-running-out-of-salon-to-getaway-car 

Babylon Bee: Kamala Harris Humbled To Have Been Chosen Exclusively For Her Race, Gender

The Babylon Bee takes a satirical shot at the selection of Kamala Harris as Joe Biden’s vice-presidential running mate.

U.S.—In a tearful "thank-you" to Joe Biden this week, Kamala Harris expressed how deeply humbled she was to have been chosen for VP based solely on her race and her gender. According to sources in the Democrat Party, Harris has both the required number of chromosomes in her cells, and also the right amount of melanin in the epidermis that protects her internal organs.

"My woman-ness and my black-ness are by far my two best qualities," said Harris. "As it turns out, I've been qualified to run for VP since birth!" 

You can read the rest of the humor piece via the below link:

https://babylonbee.com/news/kamala-harris-humbled-to-have-been-chosen-exclusively-for-her-race-gender 

Hearings On Impeaching Santa Claus Who Is Accused Of Quid Pro Quo For Giving Children Gifts In Exchange For Good Behavior

The satirical Babylon Bee offers another clever piece:

U.S.—Legislators have begun to hold hearings on impeaching Santa Claus after an overheard conversation seemed to imply he was offering a quid pro quo: gifts in exchange for good behavior.

FBI agents spied on Claus at various malls as he repeatedly said things like, "Sure, I'll get you a pony. But first, I need you to do something for me... be a good little boy!" The FBI was able to obtain a FISA warrant to spy on Claus, because it's easier to get a FISA warrant than to get a Costco membership. 

You can read the rest of the humorous piece via the below link: 

https://babylonbee.com/news/ho-ho-no-santa-claus-accused-of-quid-pro-quo-after-giving-children-gifts-in-exchange-for-good-behavior  

Conan O'Brian On Obama Watching A Baseball Game In Communist Cuba

Conan O'Brien on his TBS late night show had this to say about President Obama watching a baseball game in Communist Cuba:

Yesterday, President Obama and Cuban President Raúl Castro watched a baseball game between the Tampa Bay Rays and the Cuban national baseball team. The Rays won, so the Cuban team was sent to prison. 

Jimmy Fallon On Hillary Clinton's Wall Street Connections

I'm not a fan of Jimmy Fallon and I don't watch The Tonight Show, (I miss Jay Leno's political humor in his monologues), but he offered a funny bit about Hillary Clinton's Wall Street connections.

• In an interview with Charlie Rose yesterday, Hillary Clinton admitted that she has Wall Street connections, but said that she can't be bribed with campaign donations. Then Hillary said, “And especially they can't bribe me at Hillary for America, P.O. Box 526, New York, New York, don't even think of sending money there, this weekend.”  

Jay Leno Jokes On Last Tonight Show

 

I watched Jay Leno's Tonight Show last night, and as usual, I laughed at his monologue.

 

I'm going to miss his nightly jokes on politics, popular culture and the news.  

 

Below are some of his jokes on his last Tonight Show:

 

I don’t like goodbyes. NBC does.

 

Well, tonight is our last show for real. See, I don’t need to get fired three times. I get the hint.

 

You know, being together all these years, the staff is very close. It's kind of like graduating high school — a high school for really stupid people that have been in the same class for 22 years.

 

And the worst thing about losing this job, I'm no longer covered by NBC. I have to sign up for Obamacare.

 

When I started hosting, Justin Bieber wasn’t even born yet. That's why we call those “the good old days."

 

It was revealed this week that in the past couple years Hugh Grant has fathered three children with two different women. How ironic is that? I end my run the same way it began — asking Hugh Grant, "What the hell were you thinking?" Twenty-two years later, I ask him the same question.  

P.J. O'Rourke On Pot, Putin, And Polygamy

 

P.J. O'Rourke's humor column in the Daily Beast looks at the start of the year. 

 

The first full week of 2014 started on a high note, with Colorado and Washington freeing up the weed, Putin wielding a glue gun, and Utah saying no to one groom and yes to many wives.

 

How much damn pull does a guy have to have to get government bureaucracy off its ass and doing something right for a change? Christmas present from the Obama family to the children’s godmother was delivered to wrong address in Chicago by the U. S. Postal Service.

Otherwise the year began on a high note—in Colorado and Washington state. 

... Spoiler alert…

New season of Downton Abbey is set in 1924. That was 90 years ago. They’re all going to die.

SNL adds black female cast member. Considered adding black female Hispanic gay homeless disabled veteran special-needs cast member with gluten intolerance, but that wouldn’t be funny. 
You can read the rest of the column via the below link:

http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2014/01/10/p-j-o-rourke-on-pot-putin-and-polygamy.html 

Up To A Point: Daily Beast Interview With Humorist P.J. O'Rourke

The Daily Beast offers an interview with one of my favorite writers, P.J. O'Rourke, and announced that the humorist will write a weekly column for the online publication.

The legendary libertarian humorist is joining The Daily Beast as a weekly columnist. Here, he riffs on his rapid-fire style, why politics is as funny as ever, and more.

 

So, what do you think makes a great column?

A lot of newspaper columns used to be written in a rat-a-tat-tat, fast-paced style—and they tended to be funny. They were a little relief from the grimmer, grayer parts of the newspaper, and one of the best people at doing this was Will Rogers. He had a weekly newspaper column called “Illiterate’s Digest,” and it was just him riffing off the events of the day. Many of the things we remember Will Rogers saying—like “I don’t belong to an organized political party. I’m a Democrat.”—are right out of his column. And they didn’t need a lot of connective tissue because the connective tissue was really what had happened that last week and so there was no need for throat clearing at the beginning or summation at the end or bloviating in between.

... Has the humor gone out of politics?

Oh, no. It’s better than ever. Well, not better than ever—we can’t possibly top certain portions of the Clinton years. But politics is always hilarious because everybody’s mad at each other. I mean, go back to the Civil War. A man named David Ross Locke wrote these columns that Lincoln was crazy about and they were supposedly by a fellow named Petroleum V. Nasby, who was the world’s stupidest southern sympathizer. He was an Ohio Copperhead type who sympathized with the southern states in a way that was so blatantly stupid—lest we think we invented irony—that it was just hilarious. And people don’t get any madder at each other than they were during the Civil War. People say, oh, politics is so polarized today, and I’m thinking…1861, that was polarized.

Your column will be called “Up to a Point.” Why did you choose that name?

The most famous book among all foreign correspondents is Evelyn Waugh’s Scoop. The newspaper in Scoop is, of course, The Daily Beast, which is owned by the moronic Lord Copper and run by the obsequious Mr. Salter. There’s a brief passage which I think all reporters know. “Whenever Lord Copper was right, Mr. Salter would say, ‘Definitely, Lord Copper,’ and whenever Lord Copper was wrong, Mr. Salter would way, ‘Up to a point, Lord Copper.’” Then follows a little snatch of dialogue where Lord Copper says, “Hong Kong—belongs to us, doesn’t it?” “Definitely, Lord Copper.” “Yokohama—capital of Japan, isn’t it?” “Up to a point, Lord Copper.”

You can read the rest of the interview via the below link:

http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2013/12/17/p-j-o-rourke-joins-the-daily-beast.html

Note: Evelyn Waugh's Scoop is a great novel and it is one of my favorites. I reread Scoop every couple of years.